2012 will be a hard act to follow

 I went to the Christmas party for my creative women's group last night and one of the girls asked me what I had planned for 2013. She'd really loved my declarations that 2012 was my year and all of the posts I'd written about the positive changes I'd been making and wanted to know what I could have up my sleeve for next year. It meant a lot to me that my attempts at happiness could positively influence someone else (even in the slightest).

Sometimes I'm not even sure why I feel the need to publicly blog, I realize I'm no Oprah or Marie Forleo, that my readership is small and based on the links I post on the rare occasion that I do blog. But I really do feel passionately about resolving to change, and publicly proclaiming it so as to have a hint of accountability, even to the anonymous folks that will never comment or otherwise make themselves known. Even a handful of people knowing I've said I would do something is powerful. I'm so not about guilt anymore, and my personality is known to act with spite at guilt even when it's self-imposed. I am all about small, reasonable steps, picking yourself up when you fall off the horse, making the most out of the days that you do feel like a super human and not beating yourself up over the rainy days you choose to huddle up under the covers.

So, what is my plan for 2013? At first I wanted to just muddle about in my same vague goals, since I have a few things in store for my business in the new year that I still haven't prioritized, and I have a new website for my business in the works that will require my attention in the first part of the year. It seemed like I shouldn't resolve to do anything, I am fighting the "you can't get disappointed if you don't get your hopes up" part of myself too, the part that says if I resolve to keep no resolutions I will actually win. CAN YOU HEAR ALL THAT WASTED POTENTIAL? I can. It's terrible.

So, all of this 2012 is my year stuff started back in March I believe, and since then I've read a few good books on happiness and business and Coco Chanel, attended an intensive on making things happen, photographed a whole lot of people in love, made some internal changes to the way I view my business, attended some webinars with Making Brands Happen, I danced like crazy in Vegas, I went to a workshop of some of my photo heroes, I helped start a supportive group for other creative business owners, I witnessed some of my best friends get married, was crazy inspired by the dedication of my sister to her weight loss goals, I said yes to more good things and no to some things that weren't getting me anywhere. I started washing my hair half as often (ha), finally took a hand-lettering class and found a new passion in it, I cried at nearly every wedding I attended, joined a gym, got a lot closer to a few friends, spent less time in the office, found some sources of inspiration rather than comparison and self-loathing, mentored an awesome college student who was a lifesaver on many occasions, and maybe learned how to cook easier to peel boiled eggs for deviled eggs.

It feels so amazing to make that list. Without looking at my abandoned 101 in 1001 list full of things I thought I ought to do, I accomplished more than I ever could following some guide. One of my favorite rules from the Happiness Project is "Be Gretchen". Which is funny if the only Gretchen you know is your best friend's plot hound, but relevant if you know that Gretchen Rubin wrote the book. You don't need to follow other people's dreams. You don't have to want fame or fortune or to work a 9 to 5 and save up for vacations. I'm not knocking those dreams, all my friends know I want to be famous. What I'm saying is nevermind the looks and crinkled noses when you say you are a wedding photographer, that you work for yourself, that you are going to rent forever instead of buying a house, that you don't cook. We only understand (or think we understand) the things we do, the things we want (or think we should want). So we turn our noses up at anything outside of that. If you pursue your dreams you give credit to the dreams that other people are keeping quiet, afraid to share with the critical world.

You don't have to do yoga if you don't want to, you don't have to read classic literature or the bestseller's list, declare a major to please your parents, buy a car to reflect your paycheck, listen to indie music. It's okay to be honest with yourself. It's okay to choose hand-lettering over knitting and time to yourself over taking extra jobs that eat your soul.

I've got some plans for 2013 that I'm pretty excited about, and in the past week I've become convinced to actually take on my own Happiness Project (please please please do email or comment if you are planning one too, I'd love to support you/follow you/ bounce ideas off you!), as well as a fun hand lettering adventure. It's a bit overwhelming to think about all of the different aspects of my life I'll be thoughtfully trying to improve, but I'm really excited that 2013 doesn't have to hide in the shadow of 2012, and instead, 2012 was just the start of something unstoppable.

Thank you to everyone who has said a kind word, encouraged me, liked a photo on my facebook page, sent me an email, had coffee with me, who has not laughed when I get the crazy glint in my eye that means I've got some crazy idea. Thank you to the people who let me "Be Kelly" and love me more for it.

MTH Atlanta, May 3, 2012

If you've followed my blog the past few months you'll know that I decided to make 2012 my year. I really want it to be OUR YEAR, as in mine and each and every one of you. I'm laughing at those of you rolling your eyes because motivational speech is so lame and positivity seems dumb. I'm laughing because I am so frequently the same way. So if it comforts you sarcastic and cynical folk, I'm one of you (although I'm quickly dissolving the negative parts of that personality).
 
I entered the scholarship contest for the Making Things Happen intensive, fully expecting that I'd only go if I won (nothing to lose!), and I didn't win. But I signed up anyway. The reason is that deciding to make 2012 my year meant that unlike resolutions, I couldn't let my counter argument excuses come into play. Not every year will have the luxury of saying yes to positives, but even without actually creating the rule, I was insistent upon going to WPPI, doing the Making Brands Happen webinar series (one more to go!), taking the challenge, starting a local girls group to encourage each other, attending the Go Outside workshop, and as soon as the opportunity came up, doing Making things Happen in Atlanta.

Knowing that tomorrow would be too late, how could you waste today? This was a choice to let all the rest of my days be better because I made the decision to put in the work for this one. To freak out a little bit about the money it would cost but do it anyway because I'm investing in all the rest of that time I have left.

I'd read some previous attendees' blogposts that urged if you are considering it to just do it anyway. That in itself was not enough reason for me (someone who is prone to rationalizing for or against anything several times a day). So if you are reading this and aren't sure if you should go on a Making Things Happen intensive, here are my personal feelings:


You should go if...


-You have trouble sticking to resolutions and you feel like that lack of willpower is the thing keeping you from accomplishing big things.


-You don't know where to start


-You need someone to push you off that ledge and into the lake.


-You read self-help books but never put the self-help into practice


-You are afraid to take the next step. To quit your day job to pursue your passion, to start a new routine, to put yourself out there, to open up. If you are ruled by fear, then MTH is for you.


-If you are just going through the motions. If every day feels like a chore much like the day before it. If you want to get out of this rut. If you want to fill the rest of your days with joy.


-If you are a constant dreamer that never finally wakes up from those amazing dreams, gets out of bed and lives them.

I can't really say that I knew what to expect at all. I didn't get that far in my thought process. I knew it would be a positive. I tweeted the day before that I knew the rest of my life would be different afterwards but I didn't even know what that meant when I wrote it. I felt like even though I wasn't giving the experience that much credit beforehand, even though I was underestimating how much it would do (probably for fear that I was wasting money), I still knew it was going to come back and blow me away.

I tend to be wary of seeing movies or reading books that everyone raves about because it builds up my expectations so much that I tend to over-analyze and be disappointed or I'll get frustrated if I don't love it too. I think that might be why on the inside I didn't get my hopes up too much. I pretended this was a big business conference where I was going to become some rockstar on the business side but I didn't allow myself to think about how it might affect change in Kelly.

I've never been to group therapy, but if it was like MTH I'd want to go all the time. I was there in a room full of girls, all but two I'd never met, listening to their fears, their dreams, their struggles and successes. Looking people in the eye to tell them, to be accountable to them, that I was going to take advantage of the rest of this life, to live it to the fullest, to stop ignoring the obstacles I'd placed in my way.

I think one of the best realizations from MTH, the thing that makes it different than all of the other motivational workshops and books and life changing events...is that while you are there you talk about and think about the fact this doesn't happen overnight. I was not suddenly a brand new me. It was figuring out the little steps I could take to become that person I want to be and not beating yourself up over sticking to it.

The Challenge has been such a huge part of that success in me. Since I started the challenge, I try to do my downloads every night before I go to bed, which is stress relieving rather than a burden. I haven't been 100% on all of the rest of it but that's okay, because if I don't let it get me down on a day when I don't run I'm less likely to just give up and start back at zero like I usually do.  Sometimes action steps overwhelm me because I'm prone to making tasks too big, but I'm getting things done. I'm killing distractions (don't ask me whether I saw something on facebook anymore, because most likely I haven't), leechblock is keeping me off of my biggest timewasters, I'm setting myself up for success by setting out clothes for the next day and sleeping in running clothes. I'm leaving my laptop at home for my husband to use so that I won't "multi-task" on two computers (when one of the two usually ends up on pinterest or facebook anyway), and I'm putting the laptop away at home before Garrett gets home so that he won't start to think I'm a glowing white apple rather than a human.

I feel renewed. To feel this way five days later is impressive. Yesterday I printed out a template for things that fire me up and I'm keeping it on my desk. Why don't we spend time doing the things we really like? I've decided that I don't like TV. I feel gross when I just sit and watch old episodes of King of Queens or Friends or Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't really have any shows I keep up with anymore. I want a clean house, an uncluttered mind, time to read, and time to sit outside in the summer and as soon as we can buy one, grill out. Those things sound lovely and reasonable.

Here's to making things happen, saying yes to the good things in life, encouraging my fellow MTHers, being a better wife, encouraging women in my hometown, crafting my perfect day, removing toxicity from my life, and feeling the fear but doing it anyway.

If you want some of this goodness, start with the challenge. And ask all my friends, if you need a push I will keep you accountable. I'll text you, email you, call you and ask if you're downloading because I want this happiness for myself and I want it for you too! One of my things that fires me up (see above) is inspiring/encouraging other people, so let me help you! :) Today is the day. You don't have time not to start today.

Another day and things to smile about

Last week I went to a workshop hosted by 4 of my favorite photographers, the husband and wife team of Angie & Matt Sloan (or Mangie, if you enjoy celebrity couple style naming), aka Sloan Photographers; and Amelia Lyon and her husband Justin. If you follow any major wedding blogs you've undoubtedly seen their work, both teams are amazingly talented. I saw their post about the workshop on twitter and suffered major internal conflict on whether to go.

Last year was HARD. I had gone from 8 weddings in 2010 to 27(ish?) in 2011 without any major workflow or life overhauls and I felt so overwhelmed. I was so happy to have gained success but I felt like a failure for being unable to handle it, I felt like everyone else was conquering the world on their own and I needed serious help that I couldn't afford. I was still helping another photographer (who I love dearly!) edit and work on album design and the like for the first few months of the year, but I was unable to do it all and I ended up not giving 100% to anything. I felt terrible. I was so stressed out and I knew that I had taken it all upon myself. I would have laughed at the idea of exercise, I gave up on reading blogs, I never went out with friends (you can ask the friends that are still left, I always declined going out and Saturdays weren't even a question). I didn't spend much time with my husband because I was so busy working and never catching up and I thought that was more important, I'd have time in the magical future when I had figured out a better workflow or something.

The main reason I went to the Go Outside workshop was because after 27 weddings in a year I felt like I was just going through the motions. Yes, I am a master of the schedule, but I rarely had time on a wedding day to add in the creative stuff that I wanted to be shooting. That was one of the things I most admired about one of the first photographers I assisted; she always opted for really epic creative portraiture, and that's what those clients wanted. I had met Angie and Matt a few years ago by luck and Amelia and Justin at WPPI, and I was struck by both the shots they get and their warmth. Angie and Matt are always so genuinely excited to see me, and I feel like a nobody compared to them! I'm a Chatty Cathy with pale skin and they are Southern California rockstars. I knew that their clients had to leave the wedding feeling like they had made new friends and I wanted some of that to rub off on me.


I still can't believe the workshop happened, especially given the fact I got my dates mixed up and ended up realizing at 10pm on Tuesday that my flight was the next morning, driving 2.5 hours to the Atlanta airport at 1:30 am to make it in time for my 7am flight out; and the fact the workshop took place at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs. I plan on posting all about it on my photo blog, so I'll come back here and link it later! This year has been all about getting pumped, and I felt so inspired watching the Sloans and Lyons shoot, figuring out what methods might work for me and having an even better idea of taking control in harsh lighting conditions, making clients comfortable, and getting a variety of shots out of the same venue. All of the attendees were awesome as well, and I'm excited to keep up with them all!




And now, for my progress in The Challenge and starting The Happiness Project:


I haven't finished the 10 step challenge yet, but I certainly haven't stopped. I revisited steps 1 and 2 countless times, and I make downloading a part of my day. I'm not perfect at creating action steps but I'm getting more done and getting a variety of things done, which makes me so much happier. If your only to-do for the day is edit an entire wedding or engagement session all of the other things for the week are left behind for whenever you get to them. Just taking a few minutes to write thank you notes or throw a load of clothes in the washer makes me feel like one day I will actually be a well-oiled machine.


My email is so much more manageable. I used to have my business email forward to my personal account because I was afraid of losing it. I stopped that and now it's much easier to isolate business emails that need attention. I unsubscribe to anything that you can unsubscribe to right away, and I delete things I'll never need again. I still need to start sorting, but I feel a lot better where I am.


Step 3 of the challenge is setting yourself up for success. The ways I've been practicing this the last few days... Sleeping in running clothes. I have used this trick many times in the past but the past few years I've been making excuses even the night before, about how I just have too much work to do and I can't get enough sleep if I get up and go running. That's boloney, and I can't believe HOW GOOD I am at defeating myself. It's like I only have the little cartoon devil of myself on my shoulder.


I've been setting out my clothes for the next day at night, per Lara's suggestion, and it makes things so much easier. I want to get to my office ASAP and get the most out of my workday. Working from home was toxic for me, the office makes me focus because I've set a goal of leaving before the sunsets which means I can't leave after 7 no matter what. I am so much happier when I walk out to LIGHT. I've purchased and downloaded THINGS for my iphone (also per Lara's suggestion) and I have the trial of the desktop version but haven't synced them, and for now I might just use the iphone version and save up for the real thing. It allows me to set items that need to be done the next day at night, and notifies me of them, makes them red, and checking them off feels so good. I can make projects for things like "Branding" or "Website". Which was a great flight layover activity.


I got a new tote bag (did I already say that?) and it's huge. What a huge difference it makes. I need my planner? It's in my tote bag. ALWAYS. I can carry things I need for work in a bag instead of filling my hands with papers and a laptop and card reader and purse...  I keep my notebook I use for downloading in here too.


I've gone running the past 3 days, the first day I think it was only 10 minutes, maybe a bit more, the second it was 17, and today it was 30. Today I was the most tired. I made myself keep going, I wasn't wearing a watch but I really wanted to at least do 20 minutes so I made myself do another stretch of road just in my neighborhood area and back, and I'm so glad I was able to talk myself into it rather than out of it. I knew that if I could just make myself do it, no matter how slow a job or even walk it might take, that from here on out it would be easier.


I also love being up during that early morning light. Which brings me to The Happiness Project. I saw a tweet from Emily Ley about the book and I'd been curious as to what inspirational book (business or otherwise) to read next (I haven't read many, just so you know). I bought it on amazon for my kindle without much research at all. Good reviews, and Emily Ley likes it...done. I'm not very far in at all but I already feel empowered to change. The author spends the first month of her project with resolutions to help conquer feelings of tiredness so that she'll have the energy to do these things that will make her happy. She vows to exercise at least 20 minutes 4x a week (and adds weights, that might be a later step for me), and sleeps 8 hours a night, no excuses. I took that to heart.


The main reason I discovered that I had ADD was that I was VERY lethargic. My mom took me to see the doctor when I was 11 or 12, saying I must have mono, I wanted to sleep all the time. This was probably also in contrast to the annoying over-exercising hyper child I'd been up to that point. Doing jumping jacks like a madman and telling my family members to exercise and eat healthy (I was a propagandists' dream. Save the wetlands? Sent a letter to the president...Eat healthy? "Mom, I only like fruit and yogurt now"). They couldn't find anything wrong with me. I think cross country probably balanced some of the lethargy out but once I stopped running I was a zombie. My husband saw an article in a magazine that listed lethargy as a less common symptom of ADD and everything came together. My forgetfulness. My inability to focus on conversations unless I was personally interacting (I hate large group outings). My tendency to open 50 windows (or tabs) on my internet browser, never getting around to the articles I'd opened before the inevitable crash of the computer. Snacking constantly because I needed to taste the delicious food more and more and more even if I was full already (popcorn was dangerous).


I became obsessed with reading about ADD and reading forums and everything out of my mouth was something fascinating about ADD. I started taking medication and for a while I worked on brain exercises on lumosity.com (which I should start again, really), and the main difference for me is having energy. I don't feel like I'm some speed addict, I feel like a normal person. If you want to ask me questions about it feel free. I'm completely open about how much being diagnosed helped me. And no, I wasn't some flighty twit before who neglected work, when I feel obligated to someone to complete something I do and can, but it is a lot quicker now that I'm less distracted and more energetic.


[sidenote: I very much want to de-stigmatize the "disorder" ADD. I met a woman on the plane back from Palm Springs who was telling me about how her daughter's friend loved photography but had a learning disability...ADD. I was a bit floored thinking about the change in my emotions throughout just that one sentence; when I heard learning disability, it had such awful connotations to me, someone who needed help and should be pitied. And then when I heard ADD I felt defensive, and a little irked. I could've said something and maybe I should have. I think I did say that a lot of really creative people have ADD, but I didn't confess that I did as well. I don't know this girl and her ADD might pose a larger problem for her in school than mine did. I kind of loved school, teachers were my favorite people, because they saw a desire to learn and that glossed over my ridiculous chattiness I guess. And I always did my work and made good grades. That is, until late high school and college when my procrastination, (and inability to study in any way other than cramming), made classes excrutiating. I still made good grades but not great ones, and I'm disappointed that I didn't push myself harder. But I'm happy to be where I am now.]


So, Happy things... The Happiness Project and life in general are making me remember that I used to like things outside of work and photography (GASP). Here are some of those things:

Last week I went to a workshop hosted by 4 of my favorite photographers, the husband and wife team of Angie & Matt Sloan (or Mangie, if you enjoy celebrity couple style naming), aka Sloan Photographers; and Amelia Lyon and her husband Justin. If you follow any major wedding blogs you've undoubtedly seen their work, both teams are amazingly talented. I saw their post about the workshop on twitter and suffered major internal conflict on whether to go.


Last year was HARD. I had gone from 8 weddings in 2010 to 27(ish?) in 2011 without any major workflow or life overhauls and I felt so overwhelmed. I was so happy to have gained success but I felt like a failure for being unable to handle it, I felt like everyone else was conquering the world on their own and I needed serious help that I couldn't afford. I was still helping another photographer (who I love dearly!) edit and work on album design and the like for the first few months of the year, but I was unable to do it all and I ended up not giving 100% to anything. I felt terrible. I was so stressed out and I knew that I had taken it all upon myself. I would have laughed at the idea of exercise, I gave up on reading blogs, I never went out with friends (you can ask the friends that are still left, I always declined going out and Saturdays weren't even a question). I didn't spend much time with my husband because I was so busy working and never catching up and I thought that was more important, I'd have time in the magical future when I had figured out a better workflow or something.

the outside reflected in a bowl of milk :)

-Being outside: (I knew this but our old place had only a balcony/patio where we never bothered to buy furniture, and there was no grass for me to wiggle my toes in). I'm trying to enforce a mandatory break to go outside during the workday, and I've started eating cereal in our patio area in the mornings. I also planted some seeds (although the birds have wrecked my pots! I should've put wire in them!), something I always did in the spring as a child, and re-finding my child-self has been invaluable in this personal growth project.

-Calligraphy: I've always liked calligraphy but I have trouble making myself start at the basics of something and teach myself properly. I stumbled upon someone who started emulating fonts and styles she liked and I already had a dip pen and nibs and ink so I pulled them out. And I love it. One day I do want to take classes, but that doesn't mean I can't start here.

-Finding Four leaf clovers: I found several by accident (kind-of) and now when I'm outside I spend just a few minutes looking. I've pressed a few into books and they make me feel excited. It's like archaeological field surveying but with nature.

-Painting my nails: I love buying things and last night I needed things like body wash and couldn't bring myself to go all the way to Wal-mart so the Rite-Aid around the corner sufficed. I stopped by the wet-and-wild display and bought a teal-aqua and red for $3 total. My fingers are aqua and my toes are red. And I do feel so much happier. So thank you for the numerous girls I've seen lately with painted nails.


-Multi-tasking and Productivity: I needed an oil change and decided to just go ahead and do it on my way to work (it's pretty much on the way, and it's only 10 minutes). I had The Happiness Project on my kindle, so I just read the whole time. Boom, two birds. But, I didn't have to split my attention, which I'm learning is counter-productive. I tend to want to work on 15 things at once and as a result none get finished. Working on it, slowly but surely.



Running: I already touched on this, but running and I have a love-hate relationship. I feel at my best at the end of a run. No matter how tired I was during a race I could sprint at the end. Which made my coach, Rachel Toor, so mad at me, haha. She said if I had that much energy at the end I could've pushed harder during. And that might be true. But I loved how proud my dad was at track meets when I told him "No one ever passes me at the end." Running was my thinking time, my meditation time, my God time. So not running consistently for the past 2.5 years, you can imagine what that was doing to me. I was afraid to go out running after an incident on the route I'd been running at our old place and I used that as my excuse to stop running. Now I live in a much more open neighborhood where there are lots of people, but less potential riff-raff foot traffic, and that in itself makes me a better person. After a run I feel like I could go 3 more miles. During a run I want to die. I want to stop. I hate it. But not always. Forgetting that feeling is what makes me go do it again. And if I start first thing in the morning I'm too groggy to argue.


I hope I'm encouraging other people who are taking on these challenges, and also that in writing them down I'll remember this process. I have this feeling that everything is up from here. If you need a boost let me know. When caffeinated I'm quite present on twitter :)


-Kelly