Challenges, Support, Changes, and Re-discoveries

Last Wednesday was part 2 of the webinar series Making Brands Happen is hosting, and after part one I was beyond anxious for the next fix. I restarted my computer after running the installs I'd put off (I don't turn my computer off nearly as much as I should). I wanted a clean slate. I pulled up the webinar, and just minutes before it started my computer gave me the beach ball of death, resisted all attempts to force quit, and encouraged, nay, begged me to violently turn it off (but I only softly held down the power button in dismay).

I pulled up my laptop just in case, I didn't want to miss anything!, and watched as my main computer gave me a gray start up screen, which after a little progress, resulted in a power down. Again and again and again. Not long into the webinar (from my couch in my office on my far less impressive and exciting laptop screen), my laptop crashed as well. I wouldn't be surprised if my inner cry of "CONSPIRACY" made it out into the open.

Eventually I was able to ignore the big black screen and get focused, but my day was mostly wrecked. I've grown up with Macs and while I don't recall all of the recovery methods by heart, I'm always able to resolve problems on my own given enough forum searching, so when I gave up and went home only to return with the start-up disc which was spit out repeatedly (out of spite, I'm sure), I felt like a failure.

The errors I was seeing pointed to hard drive failure. I couldn't get to the Apple Store until Saturday morning, and when I got there the outlook was bleak. I felt like a parent asking about their child's illness when I asked the Apple Genius Bar guy, Herbie, how something like this could happen. What makes a hard drive go bad? Did I do something wrong?

All of my client photos are backed up a million times, so while I didn't have the urge to vomit, I still had to keep myself from trying to remember what WAS on the hard drive. Mostly word documents, schedules, variations on the templates I use for cd covers and the like...not the end of the world, but not something I want to re-do. So, my computer is currently at Perry Computers, where they've spent the last 18 hours backing up my hard drive (Hallelujah!) and where they'll put a new drive in.

Since I'm so long winded I almost feel like making these posts multi-part but I'd hate to leave people worrying about me, and all of the above minus the part where so far they can back up my data sounds miserable.

THE PLAGUES:

This will seem ridiculous, but in the past week or so we've had an unusual number of fairly large spiders in our living room at home, especially near the front entrance. Garrett and I are both freaked out by them and so we yell at each other to kill them, angry if either of us misses them first try. One day I came home and killed one only to see a second inches away which I immediately got as well. The best part: in the blur of the 10 seconds or less that the whole episode took place, the second was very black, unlike the first and other brown (I'm thinking wolf?) spiders we've seen, and when I squished it at some point I saw an orange rectangle. I thought surely that meant it wasn't a black widow, but after (stupidly) google searching I can't figure out what else it could've been. Oh goodness. Garrett didn't see it and denies the likelihood of such a thing, and since I don't seem to have any paralyzing bites, so far so good. We also had two slugs that came in another night. Today maintenance is sealing our front door, since there's a place that light (and apparently evil) is coming in.

THE GOOD:

I'm going to MTH in Atlanta in a few weeks and more and more 2012 just feels like it will be the year when things come back together (or really for the first time), and my personal life, business life, and future will have some harmony at last. I was particularly ambitious a few weeks ago, reading The Happiness Project, sleeping 8 hours a night, running in the mornings. I'm still making progress, just a bit slower. The computer fiasco set me back a bit, as well as a pretty full weekend, and the groggy feeling I woke up with on Monday. I convinced myself that I couldn't get sick, and I think it mostly worked.

OH, and apparently I am the QUEEN of self-fulfilling prophecy. I opened an album box in front of Morgan in my office the other day and said, as I was unwrapping "The cover photo is going to be wrong", mostly as a joke about how my week had been. Guess what? The rest of the album was perfect, but the photo on the front was another couple entirely. How does that even happen and why do I not buy more lottery tickets? So, I immediately swore myself off of negative talk forevermore.

WOMAN POWER

A few months ago I'd been thinking about how hard it had been for me to make friends in Birmingham when we moved, how un-welcoming the wedding and photography world could be in town to a newbie, and how much I craved the support from other women that I'd found in my friends growing up or my hall in high school. I LOVE my photographer friends, but I've realized that comparison, jealousy, and competition are hard to avoid, and that it's so much easier to talk openly about my accomplishments and struggles to my friends in other industries, without the fear of seeming arrogant or less than, even. Only spending time with other photographers, talking about the negatives we encounter or the gear we wish we had, it puts me out of touch with the rest of the world. I love that people are different, and I want to be more open to everything else out there.

So, I started a small, top secret creative girl support group, with a handful of girls I know and suggestions from a few other girls I met, and we've met twice now. I want to be able to talk about the group to some extent, especially to encourage other people who might want to start something similar, but I also don't want to make it seem like I'm excluding anyone, which is a tough spot. So far at our meetings we've had about 10-12 girls (with a few more in the fb group) which has seemed just right. I really love a bit of structure (I'm a tad obsessed with the IDEA of productivity), so we'll be spending some of our meetings sharing our craft and others talking about business.

I started the last meeting by having everyone to "download," which was awesome. I almost want to pinch myself seeing such an amazing group come together, every girl (woman) has been an inspiration to me and it's already a place where we're tossing around ideas, admitting our weaknesses, praising each others' strengths. I'll definitely post some updates on our group as well, and while we are very new I'd love to chat with people in other cities thinking about starting the same sort of thing. I know there are some similar creative women's groups at some local churches, and it's really exciting to hear and feel how powerful it can be!

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT

I'm still reading the happiness project, a few pages on my kindle a few nights a week before I go to bed, and I'm utilizing my highlighting feature like crazy. I love all the quotes by authors and all of the validation the book provides. I also might have said before, but I'm using the author's one minute rule about household tasks (if it would take a minute or less I can't put it off).

In the chapter I'm on now, Gretchen (the author), talks about being serious about play and making time for fun, which also led her to figure out what is actually fun for her. The great thing about this chapter is realizing (especially reading some of the blog comments she received and included) is that the things we think everyone enjoys or should enjoy, a lot of us don't. I feel like I breathed a sigh of relief when she admitted that she enjoys reading children's books, and that upon opening up to someone else who shared her Harry Potter obsession, they started a children's book club for themselves.

I've always wanted to be the kind of person who would read deep classic literature and totally get it. I've chalked up my lack of success there to my ADD but what's even more true is that I LOVE children's books. I loved reading up until about 9th grade, when we had to start reading far less interesting and far more adult books. The Giver, The Phantom Tollbooth, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, A Wrinkle in Time, Redwall...why aren't the adult books as good? I feel like I get enough of "real" life, and would rather read the kind of fantasy that those books provide. I'm happy to have been given permission to decide what I like.

I've spent the past few years feeling like I needed to be a grown up (a very hard thing for a petite youngest child), and acting the part, mostly in the way that I scoff at "going out" (mostly because my profession leaves very few Friday nights open for staying up late and are most certainly out for drinking), work incessantly, and complain much too much about money and bills. I forget what I even enjoy. Vacations feel stressful because my inbox keeps filling up. "I don't have time" for anything. "What do you do in your free time?" was a laughable question.

One of the author's friends suggests to her that she might enjoy the same things she enjoyed as a child. So I'm reflecting on that. I loved craft projects, pretending to be a spy, my clothes, face masks at sleepovers... and those things still do make me smile to think about. I probably won't pack my backpack with spy gear and hide out in my yard with walkie talkies where I pick up on some kind of signal and convince myself it's a conspiracy...but the freedom to find things I like, that already makes life feel lighter.

NEXT UP

I'm returning to more CHALLENGE progress here next, I have lots of work on it ahead and am excited to keep encouraging and being encouraged by others taking it on as well.

Another day and things to smile about

Last week I went to a workshop hosted by 4 of my favorite photographers, the husband and wife team of Angie & Matt Sloan (or Mangie, if you enjoy celebrity couple style naming), aka Sloan Photographers; and Amelia Lyon and her husband Justin. If you follow any major wedding blogs you've undoubtedly seen their work, both teams are amazingly talented. I saw their post about the workshop on twitter and suffered major internal conflict on whether to go.

Last year was HARD. I had gone from 8 weddings in 2010 to 27(ish?) in 2011 without any major workflow or life overhauls and I felt so overwhelmed. I was so happy to have gained success but I felt like a failure for being unable to handle it, I felt like everyone else was conquering the world on their own and I needed serious help that I couldn't afford. I was still helping another photographer (who I love dearly!) edit and work on album design and the like for the first few months of the year, but I was unable to do it all and I ended up not giving 100% to anything. I felt terrible. I was so stressed out and I knew that I had taken it all upon myself. I would have laughed at the idea of exercise, I gave up on reading blogs, I never went out with friends (you can ask the friends that are still left, I always declined going out and Saturdays weren't even a question). I didn't spend much time with my husband because I was so busy working and never catching up and I thought that was more important, I'd have time in the magical future when I had figured out a better workflow or something.

The main reason I went to the Go Outside workshop was because after 27 weddings in a year I felt like I was just going through the motions. Yes, I am a master of the schedule, but I rarely had time on a wedding day to add in the creative stuff that I wanted to be shooting. That was one of the things I most admired about one of the first photographers I assisted; she always opted for really epic creative portraiture, and that's what those clients wanted. I had met Angie and Matt a few years ago by luck and Amelia and Justin at WPPI, and I was struck by both the shots they get and their warmth. Angie and Matt are always so genuinely excited to see me, and I feel like a nobody compared to them! I'm a Chatty Cathy with pale skin and they are Southern California rockstars. I knew that their clients had to leave the wedding feeling like they had made new friends and I wanted some of that to rub off on me.


I still can't believe the workshop happened, especially given the fact I got my dates mixed up and ended up realizing at 10pm on Tuesday that my flight was the next morning, driving 2.5 hours to the Atlanta airport at 1:30 am to make it in time for my 7am flight out; and the fact the workshop took place at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs. I plan on posting all about it on my photo blog, so I'll come back here and link it later! This year has been all about getting pumped, and I felt so inspired watching the Sloans and Lyons shoot, figuring out what methods might work for me and having an even better idea of taking control in harsh lighting conditions, making clients comfortable, and getting a variety of shots out of the same venue. All of the attendees were awesome as well, and I'm excited to keep up with them all!




And now, for my progress in The Challenge and starting The Happiness Project:


I haven't finished the 10 step challenge yet, but I certainly haven't stopped. I revisited steps 1 and 2 countless times, and I make downloading a part of my day. I'm not perfect at creating action steps but I'm getting more done and getting a variety of things done, which makes me so much happier. If your only to-do for the day is edit an entire wedding or engagement session all of the other things for the week are left behind for whenever you get to them. Just taking a few minutes to write thank you notes or throw a load of clothes in the washer makes me feel like one day I will actually be a well-oiled machine.


My email is so much more manageable. I used to have my business email forward to my personal account because I was afraid of losing it. I stopped that and now it's much easier to isolate business emails that need attention. I unsubscribe to anything that you can unsubscribe to right away, and I delete things I'll never need again. I still need to start sorting, but I feel a lot better where I am.


Step 3 of the challenge is setting yourself up for success. The ways I've been practicing this the last few days... Sleeping in running clothes. I have used this trick many times in the past but the past few years I've been making excuses even the night before, about how I just have too much work to do and I can't get enough sleep if I get up and go running. That's boloney, and I can't believe HOW GOOD I am at defeating myself. It's like I only have the little cartoon devil of myself on my shoulder.


I've been setting out my clothes for the next day at night, per Lara's suggestion, and it makes things so much easier. I want to get to my office ASAP and get the most out of my workday. Working from home was toxic for me, the office makes me focus because I've set a goal of leaving before the sunsets which means I can't leave after 7 no matter what. I am so much happier when I walk out to LIGHT. I've purchased and downloaded THINGS for my iphone (also per Lara's suggestion) and I have the trial of the desktop version but haven't synced them, and for now I might just use the iphone version and save up for the real thing. It allows me to set items that need to be done the next day at night, and notifies me of them, makes them red, and checking them off feels so good. I can make projects for things like "Branding" or "Website". Which was a great flight layover activity.


I got a new tote bag (did I already say that?) and it's huge. What a huge difference it makes. I need my planner? It's in my tote bag. ALWAYS. I can carry things I need for work in a bag instead of filling my hands with papers and a laptop and card reader and purse...  I keep my notebook I use for downloading in here too.


I've gone running the past 3 days, the first day I think it was only 10 minutes, maybe a bit more, the second it was 17, and today it was 30. Today I was the most tired. I made myself keep going, I wasn't wearing a watch but I really wanted to at least do 20 minutes so I made myself do another stretch of road just in my neighborhood area and back, and I'm so glad I was able to talk myself into it rather than out of it. I knew that if I could just make myself do it, no matter how slow a job or even walk it might take, that from here on out it would be easier.


I also love being up during that early morning light. Which brings me to The Happiness Project. I saw a tweet from Emily Ley about the book and I'd been curious as to what inspirational book (business or otherwise) to read next (I haven't read many, just so you know). I bought it on amazon for my kindle without much research at all. Good reviews, and Emily Ley likes it...done. I'm not very far in at all but I already feel empowered to change. The author spends the first month of her project with resolutions to help conquer feelings of tiredness so that she'll have the energy to do these things that will make her happy. She vows to exercise at least 20 minutes 4x a week (and adds weights, that might be a later step for me), and sleeps 8 hours a night, no excuses. I took that to heart.


The main reason I discovered that I had ADD was that I was VERY lethargic. My mom took me to see the doctor when I was 11 or 12, saying I must have mono, I wanted to sleep all the time. This was probably also in contrast to the annoying over-exercising hyper child I'd been up to that point. Doing jumping jacks like a madman and telling my family members to exercise and eat healthy (I was a propagandists' dream. Save the wetlands? Sent a letter to the president...Eat healthy? "Mom, I only like fruit and yogurt now"). They couldn't find anything wrong with me. I think cross country probably balanced some of the lethargy out but once I stopped running I was a zombie. My husband saw an article in a magazine that listed lethargy as a less common symptom of ADD and everything came together. My forgetfulness. My inability to focus on conversations unless I was personally interacting (I hate large group outings). My tendency to open 50 windows (or tabs) on my internet browser, never getting around to the articles I'd opened before the inevitable crash of the computer. Snacking constantly because I needed to taste the delicious food more and more and more even if I was full already (popcorn was dangerous).


I became obsessed with reading about ADD and reading forums and everything out of my mouth was something fascinating about ADD. I started taking medication and for a while I worked on brain exercises on lumosity.com (which I should start again, really), and the main difference for me is having energy. I don't feel like I'm some speed addict, I feel like a normal person. If you want to ask me questions about it feel free. I'm completely open about how much being diagnosed helped me. And no, I wasn't some flighty twit before who neglected work, when I feel obligated to someone to complete something I do and can, but it is a lot quicker now that I'm less distracted and more energetic.


[sidenote: I very much want to de-stigmatize the "disorder" ADD. I met a woman on the plane back from Palm Springs who was telling me about how her daughter's friend loved photography but had a learning disability...ADD. I was a bit floored thinking about the change in my emotions throughout just that one sentence; when I heard learning disability, it had such awful connotations to me, someone who needed help and should be pitied. And then when I heard ADD I felt defensive, and a little irked. I could've said something and maybe I should have. I think I did say that a lot of really creative people have ADD, but I didn't confess that I did as well. I don't know this girl and her ADD might pose a larger problem for her in school than mine did. I kind of loved school, teachers were my favorite people, because they saw a desire to learn and that glossed over my ridiculous chattiness I guess. And I always did my work and made good grades. That is, until late high school and college when my procrastination, (and inability to study in any way other than cramming), made classes excrutiating. I still made good grades but not great ones, and I'm disappointed that I didn't push myself harder. But I'm happy to be where I am now.]


So, Happy things... The Happiness Project and life in general are making me remember that I used to like things outside of work and photography (GASP). Here are some of those things:

Last week I went to a workshop hosted by 4 of my favorite photographers, the husband and wife team of Angie & Matt Sloan (or Mangie, if you enjoy celebrity couple style naming), aka Sloan Photographers; and Amelia Lyon and her husband Justin. If you follow any major wedding blogs you've undoubtedly seen their work, both teams are amazingly talented. I saw their post about the workshop on twitter and suffered major internal conflict on whether to go.


Last year was HARD. I had gone from 8 weddings in 2010 to 27(ish?) in 2011 without any major workflow or life overhauls and I felt so overwhelmed. I was so happy to have gained success but I felt like a failure for being unable to handle it, I felt like everyone else was conquering the world on their own and I needed serious help that I couldn't afford. I was still helping another photographer (who I love dearly!) edit and work on album design and the like for the first few months of the year, but I was unable to do it all and I ended up not giving 100% to anything. I felt terrible. I was so stressed out and I knew that I had taken it all upon myself. I would have laughed at the idea of exercise, I gave up on reading blogs, I never went out with friends (you can ask the friends that are still left, I always declined going out and Saturdays weren't even a question). I didn't spend much time with my husband because I was so busy working and never catching up and I thought that was more important, I'd have time in the magical future when I had figured out a better workflow or something.

the outside reflected in a bowl of milk :)

-Being outside: (I knew this but our old place had only a balcony/patio where we never bothered to buy furniture, and there was no grass for me to wiggle my toes in). I'm trying to enforce a mandatory break to go outside during the workday, and I've started eating cereal in our patio area in the mornings. I also planted some seeds (although the birds have wrecked my pots! I should've put wire in them!), something I always did in the spring as a child, and re-finding my child-self has been invaluable in this personal growth project.

-Calligraphy: I've always liked calligraphy but I have trouble making myself start at the basics of something and teach myself properly. I stumbled upon someone who started emulating fonts and styles she liked and I already had a dip pen and nibs and ink so I pulled them out. And I love it. One day I do want to take classes, but that doesn't mean I can't start here.

-Finding Four leaf clovers: I found several by accident (kind-of) and now when I'm outside I spend just a few minutes looking. I've pressed a few into books and they make me feel excited. It's like archaeological field surveying but with nature.

-Painting my nails: I love buying things and last night I needed things like body wash and couldn't bring myself to go all the way to Wal-mart so the Rite-Aid around the corner sufficed. I stopped by the wet-and-wild display and bought a teal-aqua and red for $3 total. My fingers are aqua and my toes are red. And I do feel so much happier. So thank you for the numerous girls I've seen lately with painted nails.


-Multi-tasking and Productivity: I needed an oil change and decided to just go ahead and do it on my way to work (it's pretty much on the way, and it's only 10 minutes). I had The Happiness Project on my kindle, so I just read the whole time. Boom, two birds. But, I didn't have to split my attention, which I'm learning is counter-productive. I tend to want to work on 15 things at once and as a result none get finished. Working on it, slowly but surely.



Running: I already touched on this, but running and I have a love-hate relationship. I feel at my best at the end of a run. No matter how tired I was during a race I could sprint at the end. Which made my coach, Rachel Toor, so mad at me, haha. She said if I had that much energy at the end I could've pushed harder during. And that might be true. But I loved how proud my dad was at track meets when I told him "No one ever passes me at the end." Running was my thinking time, my meditation time, my God time. So not running consistently for the past 2.5 years, you can imagine what that was doing to me. I was afraid to go out running after an incident on the route I'd been running at our old place and I used that as my excuse to stop running. Now I live in a much more open neighborhood where there are lots of people, but less potential riff-raff foot traffic, and that in itself makes me a better person. After a run I feel like I could go 3 more miles. During a run I want to die. I want to stop. I hate it. But not always. Forgetting that feeling is what makes me go do it again. And if I start first thing in the morning I'm too groggy to argue.


I hope I'm encouraging other people who are taking on these challenges, and also that in writing them down I'll remember this process. I have this feeling that everything is up from here. If you need a boost let me know. When caffeinated I'm quite present on twitter :)


-Kelly